Now for something a little different: an opinion piece. This is the first article on my brand new Substack. More information at the end, but do consider subscribing (it’s free) if you enjoy what I’ve got to say. I’ll be publishing much more like this over there.
There’s always that one person in the family who simply has to tell everyone about their latest gadget, demonstration and all. In my case it was my great uncle, who one day showed up with a new phone and proceeded to demonstrate how it flipped open to reveal a circular number pad, much like an old rotary phone. He was a great guy, but my raging teenage angst meant that my reaction wasn’t exactly one of awe. I have a phone too, I thought, and I don’t have to flip it open to use it.
Bear with me, though, as that’s not where I’m going here. I really do get the attraction of being able to carry a large screen around. But today I want to talk less about the design of these devices and more about what they represent.
Mobile phones have been a status symbol for as long as I can remember. From Blackberry Messenger to the latest iPhone model, people don’t want to feel left out. The Duo marks the biggest break from the design of the iPhone since the original set the industry standard of one big screen. This means that it’s easier than ever to distinguish: onlookers don’t have to know about the latest colour option or camera layout to see that you’ve got the latest device. This will have tech nerds, rich kids, and your friend who thinks they’re an influencer clambering like never before to get their hands on the thing. Not just to boast their wealth, which the price tag definitely facilitates, but as a tool to demonstrate that they are keeping up with what’s new and trending.
My frustration here comes from the fact that Apple, in looking to pander to such an audience, have become them. They are now that annoying uncle who has to prove that he’s also up-to-date. Look, they’re saying, we can also do foldables!
It’s ironic that this company, whose vocabulary is increasingly limited to buzzwords such as innovation and revolutionary, have shown up so quantifiably late to this particular party. These modern foldable phones have been around for a while, and there’s nothing about Apple’s offering which is particularly groundbreaking. The rather decaffeinated descriptor from their website calling it “the first foldable iPhone” seems to offer a glimpse of self awareness; a tacit admission that the most unique thing about the Duo is that, if it wasn’t for the Apple logo on the back, it’s just another foldable phone.
There’s nothing wrong with making “just another foldable phone”, of course. I’m sure it’ll be a good one. I’ll definitely be admiring its design, sleek animations, and quality materials. I’m not that bitter. But I am nostalgic —perhaps too much so— for the time when Apple used their delayed entry into a sector to meaningfully innovate on what had come before. I was hoping that their first foray into foldables would come with some memorable world-first. It hasn’t. And I think that if you’re going to show up this late to a party, you’d better have something to show for it. You know, some extra booze or whatever.
So then, in the great words of humorist Will Rogers, “never miss a good chance to shut up.” It’s one of my favourite quotes of all time, and one which I find applicable to most situations in our hyperconnected world. It ties in perfectly with my worldview that there is great joy to be found in deciding not to do something. I do wish Apple would have applied this here. At the risk of going on a nostalgia trip once again, a guy called Steve Jobs once asserted that “deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.” It’s a nod to a laser-sharp focus that has slowly been lost.
That said, I know why they’ve done it. I know that shareholders demand constant new releases and increasingly rapid growth. I know that Apple needs to offer something new to iPhone customers before they defect to enemy camps, seduced by competitors’ novel foldable phones. But I also know that the company has the bright minds, technology, and financial oomph to create something that is really and truly new. The iPhone Duo isn’t it, though.
This is, at the end of the day, a trivial issue: simply another purchase that people will make with absolutely zero impact on me or my life. But I am here to have a good old whinge and a moan, and this is the issue that everyone’s talking about right now. That’s because, deep down, we’re all that annoying uncle in one way or another. We either subscribe to the fad, or we talk about how superior we are for not succumbing to it. Lately, I’ve been the latter. I’m becoming insufferable.
My response, then, will be to do the same thing I have after all of Apple’s latest releases: I’ll stick another piece of tape to the smashed glass of my iPhone 12 and continue to flick away the pestering software update notification. I’ll nurse this phone through its ailments, current and future, right to the bitter end.
In doing so, my battered and ancient phone will become just as much a virtue signal as a brand new iPhone Duo. It’ll indicate my feelings of superiority at not giving into what I perceive as societal pressure rather than true technological innovation.
Does that make me as much as a cunt as the next guy? Probably.
As mentioned, this is the first piece from my new Substack, where I’ll be uploading other thoughts, opinions, and quips like this. You can subscribe for free and let me know what you think by commenting on the article.
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